A Medically Intense Life

I have mentioned before that we have children with intense medical needs, and have for a long time.  Within four months of my second child’s birth, (he is now 15), we were thrown into the world of pediatric units in hospitals.  It must have been Divine Preparation (isn’t a lot of life that?) for having two children with tracheostomies.....I think we are up to 26 surgeries now between all five kids.

  

I struggle with keeping my emotions in check, while not stuffing them so far that they are a problem.  It is a delicate balance.  There is a lot to be done, a lot of info to share with medical providers and just hard work to do.....which can’t be done if I am in a pool of tears in grief, over my children’s suffering.  I have said before that a lot of what we parents of special needs kids do is jump in to the deep end, holding our noses, getting through the next hard thing.....that’s what it takes to lay your baby down on the surgery table, as strangers get ready to “fix them”.....or seeing your baby in pain in post-op recovery...or explaining to them why they are the ones who need so many surgeries. I realize we get through all of this by the Grace of God....I am keenly aware of His Presence in all of this. I still struggle, though, to balance the emotions with the work....

Here is a little poem I wrote to express how, I find my self in tears over things that seem sort of nothing, and I realize “it” is really my own grief over other seemingly unrelated stuff.  But, it is all related in the end.  While “getting through” the next thing is not specific to having a medically intense family, it is a skill we develop pretty quickly, but there are those moments when the weight of it all comes crashing down, at unexpected times.....and we have to pause and give those feelings their due.

The Moment

We are forced to stay in the present moment

our attention on our children

whose needs are many

more than average

We become masters at remaining 

emotionally detached as we rattle off

fifteen procedures our child 

has endured

Aware we have to stay focused on 

necessary action

We say to anxiety and sadness

Not now

Go away

the heaviness of emotions 

pushed off

retreating

until there is an intermission in the action

our game face off

we are caught holding what looks like 

someone else’s 

sorrow or grief

at inopportune times

A well written book

an intense movie

a face in the crowd, overcome with some unknown affliction

Taken by surprise at our reaction

of tears

seemingly borrowed for the moment

upon further inspection in the light 

of the intermission

we hold not un-popped kernels

drudged from the bottom of the bucket

but 

past emotions 

pop

out of retreat

ready to be present and dealt their due

We call the tears 

our own

embracing what is ours

for a short while

until the next 

call to action.